A single dad who needs a dating coach !

Each month, we publish a letter from a single parent who wrote to us to share their questions, doubts or sorrows. This month we hear from Fabien, a single dad who can’t seem to date the people he’s attracted to, or who feels like he always sees the same profiles on dating apps.

Hello,

I’m Matt, I’m 39 years old and I’m a dad to a 7-year-old girl and a 5-year-old boy and I separated with their mum 2 years ago. My ex and I share joint custody of our kids 50/50 and I have to say that despite a tricky break-up (‘tricky’ is an understatement), we handled our separation and the new childcare arrangements rather well. I was very afraid of the cliché of ‘one parent turning the child against the other’ and we managed to avoid it.

What’s on my mind right now is getting into dating. In the months following our separation, I went through quite a few phases: Laser focused on my children, dealing with the failure of my previous relationship, having meaningless one-night stands and keeping them entirely separate from my family life.

Now that I feel that I’m on a new path, that ‘the dust has settled’, and I want to meet someone new, but it doesn’t seem to be going well. I must be doing it wrong (after 13 years with my ex, I’ve lost the habit…) but either I can’t get dates with the people I’m attracted to, or I keep seeing the same profiles over and over again. The fact that my ex and I have joint custody allows me some free time when I’m not with the children, but I do also spend half my time with them. My day-to-day life is centred on them and inevitably this comes up early on in my conversations with women when we talk about our daily lives, what kind of day we’ve had and so on. I constantly have the feeling that I’m not saying the right thing or that I’m saying too much, perhaps?

“I constantly have the feeling that I’m not saying the right thing”

Yes, I have two children and I’m involved in their schooling, their activities, their routines and all the unglamorous parts of their daily lives. I feel that some women imagine themselves as a ‘stepmother’ and it drives them away. When I talk to some of them, I get the feeling that it’s not just me but a whole package that they see. However, I’m not looking for a second mother, but a companion. I’m a father who’s not just a father and it’s not an easy message to get across. If there are any single dads reading this, I’d love to hear your advice.

Matt