How can I feel desirable and ready to date again as a single parent?

“I feel guilty about wanting to date someone,”
“I’m worried about the first time we spend the night together…,”
“I’ve lost my self-confidence since the separation”

….. Every month, we share your doubts, questions and desires with our network of specialists to analyse what’s holding you back and to see how you can overcome it.

Welcome to the Coaching Couch!

Today, we’re tackling the wish to feel desirable again as a woman or man who’s also a single parent. We’re joined by sexologist and professional trainer Sheila Warembourg, who shares tips on how to boost your self-confidence.

Even. Sheila, can you tell us what you think it means to be desirable?

Sheila Warembourg: That’s a good question, because there’s often a lot of confusion around the topic.
Desirability is often associated with physical attractiveness and in the image-driven world in which we live, that can put us under a certain amount of pressure.
However, the notion of desirability comes from within.
Very often, the person we consider to be the most desirable in a group isn’t the most ‘beautiful’ according to the current standard of physical attractiveness, but the person who is most at ease and who shines.
When you’ve lost your self-confidence in your ability to shine, that could mean that it’s time to work on yourself.

Before we get into talking about working on yourself, what do you say to single parents who might feel they’ve lost their self-confidence?

SW: After the breakdown of a romantic relationship that may have lasted for many years, it’s natural to feel that your self-confidence is dented. Many newly single people may have the impression that they’ll never manage to meet anyone.
And I find that the mental load of single parents is all the more significant, as they have little time for themselves and they may have seen their bodies change after one or more pregnancies (and no, it’s not just women’s bodies which change…).
So, of course, it’s very understandable to feel like you’re no longer desirable.

So what can we do about it?

SW: You can start by thinking about yourself and by asking yourself an important question:

• What do I have that’s desirable about me, outside of my role as a parent?
• What are my strengths, my good qualities?
• What do I have to offer? What makes me unique?
• Is it my sense of humour?
• What’s fun and different about me?
• And alongside all that, what are my weaknesses?

It seems a bit like writing a CV….

SW: [chuckles] It’s not far off that, but the overall goal is authenticity, to see yourself as you really are and to feel at ease when you introduce yourself to another person. Isn’t it nice to go into a date saying to yourself

“I know who I am, I know my qualities, my faults, I also know what I’m looking for from now on and what I’m not interested in or no longer interested in“?

Let’s avoid trying to hide our character, pulling in our stomachs (literally and metaphorically!), always thinking about what the other person would like us to be.

That seems easy in theory but in our daily lives, a lack of self-confidence is often emotional baggage that we’ve been carrying for years.

SW: Of course, you can’t boost your self-confidence by spending half a day reflecting in your room. The idea behind this process of reflection is also to learn to take time for yourself again as a parent. It’s time spent reconnecting with yourself and rediscovering yourself as an individual because you’re more than a parent. It could be just a few minutes taken here and there, leading to longer and longer periods of time.

For many, especially those over 50, this renewed self-awareness can be the first step toward meeting someone new — and dating sites for over 50 can offer a supportive, age-appropriate space to start exploring romantic connections again.

Learn to be a little selfish again! Especially as this does good to others too: When a child sees that their parent is well, they feel well too.

And finally, what would you say to a single parent who feels more vulnerable when dating because they have children?

SW: I think you have to be honest with yourself.
As a parent who’s looking to date, your children are a central pillar of your life.
That’s the reality of the situation and the people who you’ll meet will come second.
You need to be able to say it to yourself and to the people you meet.

> Thanks very much to Sheila Warembourg, whose site you can find here.