Finding everyone’s place in a blended family

After a first marriage that ended, you’ve found love again. Congratulations! You’re about to start a blended family, with your new partner and the children from your previous marriage. This is a big challenge that can quickly become a source of stress! A few rules will help you to ensure that everyone finds their place and shares your happiness.

Prepare for your spouse’s arrival in the family

Your children need time to accept a new person in your family. Your spouse will not be able to make an appearance overnight. Before you share the same house, take time to discuss this openly. What does your son or daughter think about this blended family? What are their fears?

While your child isn’t the one deciding about your love life, they are also affected by these changes. You and your new partner should therefore take into account your child’s feelings. Before living under the same roof, you should be sure that all of you are ready for this new life. Doing this will prevent many conflicts in the future!

Respect each other’s past

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In a blended family, everyone has a history. There’s another spouse, children and a life together full of memories. To find your place, the worst thing to do is try to erase this past! There are all too many stories of a stepfather or stepmother deciding to clean up the house by getting rid of the memories of the past. This attitude will not allow you to create a happy relationship with the children concerned. Failing to respect their other parent will not work in your favour!

Your marriage and your blended family represent the future. The past is what it is and you can’t change it. Instead, respect it and show that you understand each other’s feelings. Your love story will get off to a good start and the children from the former marriage will appreciate your attitude. Happy stepfamilies are those in which the spouses manage to create real harmony.

Define the role of the step-parent

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Meeting the children of your new partner is a moment that can raise a lot of questions. Will they like you? What relationship should you develop with your new family members? It’s better to wait until you’re ready than to rush this meeting at the beginning of the story. And remember, be yourself! If you have succeeded in seducing their mum or dad, there is a good chance that the children will also like you.

To find happiness in stepfamilies, the children must understand that their stepfather or stepmother is an adult. Their place is therefore not that of a friend. They offer a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on, but they deserve respect. The step-parent participates in the education of the children. They become an authority figure, without replacing the father or mother. It is up to the father or mother to help you find your place by letting you take some initiative with the children. It is a question of deciding together from the start each person’s role and the limits to be set.

In order for your authority to be recognised, you must strive to be a fair parent. Even if you are legitimately closer to one child, other siblings should not feel neglected. Keep in mind that you will be creating a unique relationship with each family member. For your parenting rules to work, you must also show each child that they have a place in your heart! You can’t be less demanding (or stricter) just because you’re not their mother or father. By deciding to be fair to all of the children, you will gain their respect more easily.

Avoid conflicting messages

• For a harmonious family life, rules for living together should be established. These instructions are to be followed by all children, even if they are only at home at the weekend. Nothing is worse than parents who contradict each other. For a blended family that works, be firm and consistent!
• Although disagreements are unavoidable between spouses, don’t let this show in front of the children. You can make the decision that is appropriate in private, as adults. A couple must always present a united front in order to successfully help the children understand this blended family. The child’s father or mother should even support you in your decision, even if it means coming up with a new rule to put in place afterwards. As far as conflicts with the children are concerned, new spousees must learn to assert themselves. They must assert their adult position with confidence. Later you can talk about it with the parent concerned, but in the moment it’s important to stay calm and maintain authority!
• To strengthen understanding at home, think about establishing some rituals. Family meals, discussions, outings, all these moments together help to build strong bonds. Your new life isn’t just organised around rules and constraints. Relaxing moments with your family are very important! Take the time to share activities with the children without their father or mother. These joint activities are essential for discovering each other outside the family and creating a unique bond!

Think about the relationship with the former spouse

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• To ensure that you have a place in the house, think about notifying the former spouse of your arrival in the family. The previoius union is certainly important if the couple has had one or more children. The father or mother is entitled to know who will be living with their child and participating in their upbringing. By being fully transparent, you will avoid the child playing the role of intermediary or mediator.
• Reassure them that the children will call you by your first name. No question of you being called “mum” or “dad” and trying to replace the parent who doesn’t live in the same household. These few rules are the key to a good understanding between the members of this blended family. Whatever happens, you all have the same goal: to look after the children’s well-being. If some conflicts may arise, you must remember their interests first.
• Frequent arguments can be upsetting to children, who will feel forced to choose sides. Worse still, they may not allow themselves to have a relationship with you for fear of betraying their parent. Seek to have civilised relationships and avoid conflict. This is only possible if your place is clearly defined from the beginning of this new relationship!

Succession: managing the consequences of a blended family

Although it’s not the most exciting aspect when you decide to build a blended family, the question of inheritance is important. You must clearly define your spouse’s role, now and in the future. The management of your inheritance must therefore be decided in order to protect each member of your blended family. You must take certain precautions to make your new life a success.

When it comes to inheritance, think about protecting your spouse without disadvantaging your children. A will avoids conflicts, as the estate is shared equally and everyone’s rights are well defined. Tensions over who will get what share in the event of death can be eliminated with just a little planning. This balance is important for your children, but also for the surviving spouse.

This question is all the more important for cohabitants and civil union partners. They retain rights to use their main residence only if the deceased partner has made arrangements for this. On the other hand, a gift to the living parent may cause conflicts when the inheritance is passed on. To prepare for your inheritance with peace of mind, a notary will be able to advise you on the options for dividing the assets of your blended family. You can then make the best possible arrangements to ensure that the relationship remains harmonious after a death. It would be a pity if the question of succession caused a painful conflict!