Fear of a new relationship

Finding love has never been easy, and it’s even more complicated when you’re a single parent. You may feel more like retreating into your little bubble to protect your family and avoid the risk of getting hurt.

Being a parent is undeniably one of life’s most fulfilling roles, but don’t forget that you’re also a single person who deserves to find love again. Do you find it hard to trust someone at the start of a relationship? Are you afraid you’ll fall in love and then be let down? This week, we explore this fear that can sometimes take hold of you.

What is philophobia?

Philophobia, or the fear of falling in love, is a social phobia generally linked to trauma. It tends to stem from negative past experiences that have caused significant distress, such as parents divorcing, a painful breakup or a bereavement.

This paralysing fear is not confined to romantic relationships; it can also be triggered by a simple feeling of attachment, like in a friendship. It often results in disordered and negative behaviour patterns in different social contexts.

Most of the time, people with philophobia don’t even realise they’re behaving strangely. They tend to put themselves down, reject signs of affection (whether from a friend or someone else), feel uncomfortable about receiving compliments, fear being disappointed and feeling lonely again, and avoid giving too much of themselves to someone. They may even sabotage the relationship in order to end it quickly. These behaviours then serve as an excuse for shying away from love.

Being scared of falling in love, even if it means enduring pain, surfaces as a defence mechanism that takes the form of aggression and rejection. People with philophobia have difficulty opening up to others and are often prone to conflict. As a result, they often find themselves in emotionally unfulfilling and negative relationship patterns.

What is this social fear really about?

A fear of falling in love is, in reality, a shield that protects us from potential pain, disappointment and challenges that can emerge in relationships. People with philophobia tend to dwell on their partner’s faults and can easily convince themselves that a relationship is not worth pursuing.

In fact, these beliefs are symptoms of a fear of failure, of getting it wrong and getting hurt again. They could also be related worries about bringing someone into our children’s lives only for the relationship to end.

How can I learn to love and trust again?

Can’t remember the last time you had a first date? No problem! The important thing is to face the situation head-on and be open to meeting new people.

Step 1: Know yourself

Before you dive back into the dating game, make sure you indulge in some well-deserved “me” time. Painful experiences can be truly traumatic, but this period of enforced solitude is a golden opportunity for self-discovery. Maybe you can rekindle your passion for sports, do something creative or head off on a trip.

Take the time to prioritise yourself, adapt to your new life, establish a fresh routine and find your financial footing as a solo parent.

Step 2: Find yourself to move on

Being on your own is often perceived as something negative. But it’s actually an exciting opportunity to (re)discover your passions and decide what you want to leave behind.

Rebuilding your life means taking time out for yourself, exploring new interests and reigniting old hobbies. It’s also a time for self-care and for regaining confidence in yourself and in your irresistible charm.

Step 3: Open your heart

Eventually, one day, you realise you’re ready for a new relationship. You have a renewed desire to love and be loved. You want to break out of your single parent bubble and open your heart to someone new.

Feeling ready is the crucial element to starting a brand-new adventure and nurturing a healthy relationship!

Back in the dating game: 7 top tips

When you’re a single parent, you can’t date just who and how you please. But fear not! Here are our 7 top tips for starting a new romance.

•   Work out what you want from a new relationship to guard against nasty surprises and the feeling that you’re wasting your time. Then you can rule out anyone who isn’t right for you and zero in on people on your wavelength.
•   While it’s fun to watch Peppa Pig and chat on Even at the same time, how about taking it up a notch and planning a cosy lunch for two in a plush restaurant, away from the kiddos? We understand that single parents have limited free time, so keep it simple and skip the weeks of endless messaging, which can lead to disappointment when the long-awaited meeting finally happens.
•   Don’t feed your expectations of love with anxieties or fantasies. Knowing what you want is all well and good, but don’t be too strict about your dream partner. You may never find them! No one can match up to your ideal for your children, so the most important thing is to give things time and trust yourself.
•   Keep your first date short and sweet – the candlelit dinner can wait.  Not all single parents have time to do evening dates. Opt for lunch breaks and quick coffees. Simple and efficient!
•   Don’t aim for perfection or complete self-confidence. A relationship isn’t about how perfect each person is; it’s about embracing each other’s sensitivity and vulnerability. You don’t need to be overly prepared or excessively confident before you take the plunge. Be yourself – the right person will appreciate and accept you for who you are.
•   Use the first date as a chance to break free from your role as a single parent (even if only for a little while!). Of course your kids are important to you, but try not to make them the focal point of every conversation. Being a single parent is a significant part of your life, but it’s not the only part. It’s time to think about yourself for a change!
•   Banish any guilt about wanting a partner. Just because you’re a single parent doesn’t mean you can’t fall in love again. Don’t limit yourself to this role indefinitely: it should never be seen as a sacrifice. Your children aren’t obstacles standing in the way of your love life; in fact, they may even be happier than you are at the thought of welcoming someone new into the family circle.

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