How long should you date someone before starting a relationship?

Are we an item or not? You meet online and agree to go for a coffee. You go on a few dates at a flea market, playing mini golf and going out to eat. Sometimes the dating phase goes on for ages, and sometimes it’s over in a flash. In this article, you’ll discover why there aren’t any one-size-fits-all rules when it comes to getting to know each other. We’ll talk about what you really want to know: how to successfully transition from a dating “situation” into an official relationship.

Every couple goes at their own pace, and that’s a good thing. That said, there are a few recommendations and tips to help you make the best use of the exciting period when you’re getting to know each other. At the end of the day, you really want to find out if your flirtation can turn into more.

Are you a good fit? Do you feel attracted to each other? Do you share the same desires and visions when it comes to a romantic relationship? If you can approach getting to know each other in a relaxed way, you’ll learn plenty about the other person – and about yourself.

What’s the process when you’re getting to know each other?

The period of getting to know each other – or, in other words, the period from your first date to when you enter into a relationship – is different for every couple.

There’s no right or wrong way to handle this: it depends on you and your individual personalities. Generally, you’ll be getting to know someone you didn’t know well before. This might happen after meeting them in your day-to-day life or through an online dating site. If you both like each other and find each other attractive, you’ll set up your first date.

You’ll quickly figure out whether you enjoy spending time with the other person:

•   Do you feel comfortable interacting with them?
•   Do your conversations flow organically?
•   Are you on the same wavelength in many respects?
•   Do you share a similar energy?
•   Do you flirt with each other and have fun?

If the answer to most of the above questions is yes, you’ve got a great foundation for a second date.

A typical part of getting to know each other is that you’re both curious about each other. You want to know lots about your date, and they feel the same about you. In other words, you can’t stop talking to each other. You might send each other photos back and forth. You share details of your hobbies, your work, your favourite music and your children. It’s important that you both contribute roughly equally to the conversation.

Long phone calls and text messages are all part of getting to know each other. Every contact and conversation helps you to decide whether you can see more with this person. Your interactions shouldn’t be superficial: you take things deeper. You talk about what you want and expect from a relationship. The more similar you are in this regard, the better!

Some people wear their heart on their sleeve: they’re open and plainly spoken. Others take a more cautious approach to a potential relationship. You might be a bit shy. If that’s the case, you’ll likely need longer to open up to a new person.

How long does it take to get to know each other?

There’s no one-size-fits all rule here, either. Some singles meet and everything runs smoothly. They immediately sense that they belong together. In this instance, the getting-to-know-each-other period is over in a jiffy. Others need more time until they’re ready for a serious relationship. In other words, it can take a few days, a few weeks or even a few months for a couple to get to know each other.

You need patience when getting to know each other. Temporary “radio silence” is also normal. After all, you’ve each got your own lives. You probably have jobs, not to mention family obligations, responsibilities and day-to-day commitments. So, don’t worry if your date takes a little longer to reply than you’d like. You might also have different communication needs. Some people communicate best in-person, while others love to exchange a barrage of texts or voicenotes. As long as you’re on the same page, these differences don’t have to be a problem!

Fear not: if they’re not interested, this will become clear from the type of messages they’re sending. You’ll just get short responses, without any questions – and at some stage, your communication will grind to a halt. It’s likely that you will alway be the one sending the first message, and they’ll be reluctant to make definitive plans. If this happens, they just weren’t the right person for you. You need to keep looking. No matter how much you thought you liked them, there’s no point trying to chase someone! You deserve a relationship where both people are equally excited and committed to something serious and exclusive.

Take time to get to know the other person. Trust your gut. If it feels right and like it’s a good match – and your date agrees – it’s time to take the next step. Incidentally, getting to know each other doesn’t come to an abrupt end when you decide to start a relationship. You’ll discover new things about each other over and over as the years go on. This is good, as it ensures that your relationship remains fresh and exciting.

How often should you meet up when getting to know each other?

As a single person with a child, your time is likely in short supply. There might be a certain distance between you and your date. This can extend the transitional stage between dating and being in a relationship. The best time to meet up is likely weekends. Talk to your partner about this and try to be imaginative and flexible when it comes to finding time to spend together.

Don’t let too much time pass between the first and second date, though: otherwise life will get in the way and your communication will drop off. Try to meet once a week if you can. Bridge the time between your meets with texts, voicenotes and video calls.

Getting to know each other – when does a relationship start?

You can know this for certain by talking to your beloved. That said, there are a couple of indicators that suggest love is in the air. You’ll notice the following things once you’ve gotten to know each other and are transitioning into a relationship:

•   You spend a lot of time together.
•   You’re in each other’s photos on social media.
•   You talk about “we” and “us”. The other person is a firm fixture in your life.
•   You make plans together. You might be planning a holiday together, or a house move might be on the horizon.
•   You introduce each other to your friends and families.

Five tips for getting to know each other

So you can use this period as effectively as possible, we’ve put together a few tips to help you get to know your date as thoroughly as possible.

1.  Use voicenotes and video calls instead of text messages

Generally, people initiate communication via text when getting to know each other. If you find it easier to type than talk, this is a good way to strike up conversation with potential partners. That said, you should switch to voicenotes and phone calls as soon as possible. Why? It’s simple: you can hear their voice. This gives you lots of new insights. You can hear how they sound and your conversation is direct and spontaneous. You can also pick up on their sense of humour. Hearing someone’s voice also makes it easier to avoid the kind of miscommunications that occur when you have different texting styles.

A video call is even more personal, giving you the chance to talk face-to-face with the person you’re interested in. Use this opportunity to get a sense of what the other person is like.

2.  Be open to new things

Especially after a divorce or separation, the bar for a new relationship is high. You likely have a clear sense of what you’d like from a new partner, and what you’re no longer going to stand for. You likely have a long list of criteria for your beloved. Nevertheless, a new relationship doesn’t mean you have to give up your independence, and list-making is no guarantee against heartbreak. In reality, it may be the case that your dream partner doesn’t meet all of your expectations.

If things are otherwise going well, it can be worth seeing how you feel after a second, third or fourth date. Don’t forget that dating makes most people nervous. That goes for men and women alike. This might lead to people making the odd mistake or being a bit awkward. You can only tell what the other person is like when you see them in their day-to-day life. But the more relaxed we are, the more authentic we are, too.

Be open towards your date. Things might still head in the right direction. If not, you’ve still gotten to know an interesting person and had a worthwhile experience.

3.  Don’t hide who you are

Self-confident, shy, thoughtful, quirky, nerdy, funny, playful, cheeky, sexy… be yourself. Hiding who you are is pointless. After all, you want to find someone who loves and accepts you as you are.

When you’re getting to know each other, you probably want the other person to like you – especially if you’ve realised that you like them. But it’s not a good idea to sacrifice your own values, principles and views for the sake of a partnership.

At some point, this will come between you. Your differences will really come to light once you enter into a relationship, if not before: and then you’re running the risk of arguments and tension. This also means only taking the steps of physical contact, intimacy and sex when you yourself want it. For instance, your first or second date doesn’t need to end with a kiss if you’re not ready.

4.  Don’t put yourself under pressure

Some people think life is only worth living if you’re in a relationship. This leads to them desperately searching for “the one”. Don’t become dependent on others or a set concept of what your life should look like. A relationship is a nice bonus, but it’s not mandatory. You can live on your own, handle day-to-day life and still enjoy life to its fullest. Be conscious that you don’t need anyone. Until you really believe this, you’ll keep finding yourself in less-than-ideal relationships!

If you approach dating and getting to know others with a relaxed yet self-confident air, you’ll take lots of pressure out of this stage. Give yourself and your date time. Not every exciting flirtation turns into something big. Sometimes, it’ll lead to a couple of nice dates and end in a friendship. These are still valuable experiences that help you in the long term and give you a better sense of what you really want.

Deeper feelings develop slowly. It takes time to trust someone. That’s especially true if you’ve had bad relationships in the past. Let things happen in their own time. Listen to your feelings and face up to uncertainties or doubts. It can help to talk to someone you trust about them and put your thoughts into words.

5.  Live your life

Don’t completely align your life with the other person. Even while getting to know each other, take time for yourself, your kids, your hobbies, your friends and your interests. After all, your day-to-day life keeps going even when you’re exploring something new. Embracing this signals to the other person that you’re independent.

If your date doesn’t reply to a text or voicenote immediately, give them time. Don’t send them five messages in a row. This quickly comes across as desperate or pushy. If you haven’t heard from your beau or your belle in several days, you can follow up calmly. If this becomes a pattern, you might take it as a sign that they just aren’t interested!

How many dates until you sleep together?

When there’s a spark between you, you might be wondering how long to wait until you have sex. There’s no definitive answer to this, either. If things feel right for you and your partner, there’s nothing stopping you from getting intimate.

The “three-date rule”, which says you should flirt on the first date, kiss on the second and have sex on the third, doesn’t exist in reality. A Groupon survey of 2,000 adults showed that on average women wait nine dates before sleeping with a new partner for the first time. Men say they can imagine sexual contact after five dates. Of course, lots of people sleep together on the first date, and this can still be the start of a meaningful relationship!

Don’t be unsettled by so-called rules and surveys: at the end of the day what counts is how you’re both feeling. don’t be pressured into intimacy if you’re not ready for it. Does sex feel right for you and your beloved? If so, go for it and enjoy your time together!

Summary

Every couple takes a different amount of time to move from their first date to being in a relationship. There’s no one-size-fits-all rule. However, trust needs to grow. That’s why it makes sense to take your time when dating and get to know each other at your leisure. The more authentic you remain, the greater the chance of finding a relationship that’ll make you happy in the long term.

Q&A