How To Build Trust In A Relationship

Trust: That’s the first thing you look for in a relationship. Trusting your partner makes you feel secure in your relationship and gives you the confidence to be vulnerable in front of them. The trouble is, ‘trust’ is fragile. You’ve probably been in a scenario where your trust in someone has been broken – you know how it feels…

Let’s look at a few ways to build trust relationships and deal with trust issues. But, before that, let’s look at the importance of trust in a relationship.

The Importance of Trust for Every Couple

Trust is a vital component of every successful relationship. This isn’t limited to being monogamous and loyal to your partner. Trust relationship also means being dependable. It means keeping your promises and being honest with your partner.

Trust strengthens relationships in many ways

• It encourages you to give more

There will always be small things that irritate you about your partner. If you trust your partner, you will be more willing to forgive these shortcomings. Accepting the other person for who he/she is builds a healthier relationship and lowers the frequency of your arguments.

• It helps navigate solutions

It’s easy to have an argument and turn your back in a huff. But, when you build a trust relationship, you know they won’t do anything that would intentionally harm or hurt you. You are thus more willing to look at the bigger picture and find a solution that works for both of you. Thus, the risk of having small arguments snowball into something bigger is lowered.

• It brings you closer to each other

When you build trust in your partner, you feel safe and secure in each other’s company. You know you can rely on your partner to have your back. This allows you to relax in their presence and makes you feel closer to him/ her.

How do you build trust in a relationship?

When it comes to building trust, you and your partner need to make an effort and take equal responsibility for building a safe, secure trust relationship. Here are a few things you can do to build trust in your relationship.

Be honest in your communication

No matter how long you’ve been together, you can’t expect your partner to read your mind. When there’s something on your mind, you need to talk your trust issues out with him/ her. If you feel bad about something, let them know how you feel. That said, talk about how you’re feeling without taking an accusatory tone. This is meant to be a discussion, not an argument.

Here are a few pointers to keep in mind:

• Make ‘I’ statements to explain your subjective experience
• Don’t generalize actions and behaviour. Instead, refer to specific incidents
• Be direct about how you want to be treated.

Setting aside time to talk about your trust relationship and check in with each other when either of you feels uncomfortable is always a good idea.

Acknowledge the past

We’re adults and this isn’t your first relationship. When you’re dating a single mom, chances are, you’ve been through things in the past that have left an impression on you and how you build trust relationships. You need to acknowledge these incidents and keep them separate from your present.

When you’re feeling hurt by something your partner has said or done, ask yourself whether your mistrust in the situation is being affected by your experiences. Be aware of how unresolved issues from your past are influencing your present. Sharing this with your trust partner can also help avoid such situations in the future.

Listen to your partner’s side of the story

Firstly, trust yourself to have chosen a trustworthy person to have a relationship with. If you feel let down, don’t assume your trust partner is out to get you and intentionally hurt you. It is natural to question their intentions, but be open to it being a misunderstanding or a simple mistake. Listen to what your partner has to say and try to put yourself in their shoes.

That said, always trust your instincts. If you’re seeing frequent red flags and your gut is telling you something’s wrong, don’t sit quiet about it.

Make-up after arguments

Every trust relationship has ups and downs. Having a disagreement or argument once in a while is normal. It’s even healthy – disagreements are a sign that you and your partner are comfortable about expressing yourselves and ready for remarriage. What’s important is to make up after an argument and address your trust issues.

Once tempers have cooled, take time to process what happened and talk about the issue calmly. Accept mistakes if you’ve made any. Don’t brush the trust issues under the rug, but clear it out and find a solution that works for both of you.

How does trust break?

When you talk of breaking trust, infidelity is the first thing that comes to mind. But, it isn’t the only danger to your relationship. There are many small things that can damage a trust relationship.

Being dishonest

Lying to your trust partner is a sure-shot way to break their trust. No matter what the issue is, they are sure to be hurt more by you deceiving them than by the truth. It’s challenging to be honest in some situations but know that you’ll never really get away with a lie.

Breaking promises

Every time you break a promise, no matter how small it is, it breaks your partner’s trust. If you’re dating a divorced single dad or a divorced woman and don’t follow through on your promises, your actions may tell him that you can’t be relied on.

Being secretive

If you keep your feelings hidden and don’t open up to your trust partner, they may feel like you’re not fully invested in wanting to build trust relationships. If something is going on, they don’t know what it is and so can’t do anything to sort it out. As a result, your mistrust needlessly grows.

Having an uncontrolled temper

Having a relationship with a temperamental person isn’t easy. If you can’t control your temper, your partner may feel uncomfortable expressing themselves and feel like they’re constantly walking on eggshells. A bad temper and a tendency to hold grudges can destroy trust in a relationship.

Neglecting the needs of your partner

When you know your partner needs something, and you don’t do anything about it, they are sure to be hurt. To build trust in relationships, you need to pay attention to your partner’s physical and emotional needs.

How can you rebuild trust after it has been broken?

It takes time to rebuild trust relationships. Don’t expect it to happen overnight. Rebuilding trust also requires both partners to make an effort to move forward. The person who has been hurt must be able to forgive. If they don’t give their partner a chance to make a change and come through for them, the trust-building exercise will be futile. Both of you need to let go of the past and live in the present.

There is no one-size-fits-all guide to rebuilding trust, but here are a few steps you can take.

Apologize and accept responsibility

If you broke your partner’s trust, the first step to rebuilding trust is to take responsibility for your actions and admit to your mistakes. Don’t make excuses for yourself or try to pin the blame on external forces. Take time to think about what triggered your actions and how they affected your partner.

Gather your thoughts and apologize to your partner. Don’t just say “I’m sorry” to appease your partner, but be sincere and let them know that you recognize your faults and are willing to work on them. You could frame your apology in phrases like:

• I am sorry I didn’t tell you I was going to be out for the weekend.
• I’m sorry I forgot to pick up Jonathan from school.
• I’m sorry I hurt you last night. I shouldn’t have said what I did.

Have a well-timed talk

Following up an argument with an immediate apology may not always be effective. Give your partner space to process what happened. Accept that he/ she has a right to feel hurt and angry. As the person who has been hurt, give your trust partner time to work through their own emotions and understand where things went wrong. Only then should you take time to talk it out face-to-face. Choose a time when you know there won’t be any distractions – ideally when the kids are away.

Take action

All your apologies and flowers to build trust will have no value if they aren’t backed up by actions. Follow through on the commitments you make. It will take time but be consistent about demonstrating a pattern of trustworthy behaviour.

For example, if you say you’re going to do something, make sure you do it. To build trust, don’t make commitments you know you can’t make.

Make time for each other

Regardless of how busy your schedule is, make time for each other to build trust. Spend quality time together doing things that you both enjoy. It could be as simple as sitting together in the evening and enjoying a cup of tea. Or, going for a walk together. Spending time together helps strengthen your bond and brings you closer. This is also the ideal time to talk about your feelings.

Get counselling

Sometimes, it can be hard trying to figure out what to do on your own. Couples counselling is a good option when there’s been a significant breach of trust. Think of a therapist as a neutral third party who can help identify underlying issues and guide you through finding solutions to build trust. They can help both partners heal.

Trust is never optional in a relationship

Trust is the foundation of every successful relationship. Right from the time you’re choosing a partner, you look for trustworthiness. That said, you must be honest and trustworthy yourself to expect it from your partner. If something does happen that weakens the trust you have in each other, you must both work towards finding a resolution and rebuild trust.

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