How to find happiness when separated and co-parenting

At Even, we know that raising children while separated isn’t always easy. In the wake of a painful separation, it can be hard to start a new life as a parent while bringing up your children solo. That said, there are all kinds of ways for you to lead a happy, successful life as a single parent. We’ve put together a few handy tips in this guide to show you how you can manage to raise a child while separated and maintain a harmonious family life – all while feeling happy as a single person with a child (or children).

The challenges of raising children when separated

Raising children when separated can be one of the biggest challenges you ever face as a parent. If you previous looked after the children as a couple, it can be hard to be solely responsible for the kids while simultaneously trying to deal with your work and your home – not to mention having a fulfilling life as a single person. Often, it’s hard to make decisions without the support of the other parent. But, despite all these challenges, it’s possible to experience smooth sailing in family life when you are a separated parent, while also ensuring that your needs as a single woman or man are met.

To achieve this, you need discipline, organisation and (ideally) open communication with your ex. A positive mindset and confidence in your own abilities are also crucial. As you’ll see, if you focus on your children’s wellbeing, strive to maintain a good relationship with your ex and, where possible, make sure to take time for yourself, it’s perfectly possible for you to be happy and content as a separated parent.

Four handy tips for successfully bringing up children when separated

Raising your children while separated can involve a whole host of challenges, but there are ways that you can arrange shared responsibility for childcare so everything is as successful and smooth as possible.

Tip 1) Good communication between the parents is the key ingredient for success.

It’s important to discuss your children’s needs with your ex on a regular basis. It’s easier to address potential problems in advance, rather than after they crop up. Even if you’ve established an arrangement that works for everyone, it’s still crucial to check in regularly. Whenever possible, it’s best to make decisions on matters like attending parents’ evenings at school, buying new clothes or planning holidays together with your co-parent. This gives your children a sense of stability and cohesion, despite the separation. It also makes your life easier by reducing the inevitable stress that comes with miscommunications and disagreements. Even though you are no longer in a romantic relationship with your ex, sharing parental responsibility means that they are still family. If you are unable to communicate with your ex, you might want to consider a mediation process. During mediation, a neutral, professional third party helps you have important conversations and make decisions without getting distracted by personal issues.

Tip 2) Jointly set out clear rules and routines for your children.

One thing is for sure: rules and routines are crucially important for children, as they make them feel safe and give them direction. Work together to determine what these will be for your kids (e.g. “no phones at the table” or “take your shoes off in the house”), and make sure you both stick to them. It’s just as important that you, as the parents, adhere to these rules yourself. Your children should also have the chance to give their input and contribute to decisions regarding these rules, depending on their age. A separation or divorce involves a lot of change and can be very stressful for children, but sticking to shared routines reduces that stress. It can help to have a clear system for sharing information about your children’s life, such as doctor’s appointments or after-school activities, such as a shared calendar to which both you and your ex have access.

Tip 3) Show respect towards each other as parents.

Parents act as important role models for their children. If you want your family life as separated parents to proceed smoothly, each parent needs to show respect towards the other – even if they’ve been disappointed by them. Don’t speak badly of your ex in front of the children. Although it is important to be honest with your children, remember that they are young, experiencing their own issues, and shouldn’t be your primary source of emotional support. Try to avoid complaining to your children about any potential court proceedings, legal disputes or difficult feelings you are experiencing. Consider what information about your separation or divorce is appropriate and necessary to share with them. When you disparage your ex while your kids are in earshot, they might feel disparaged themselves. After all, your ex is still their parent.

Tip 4) Try to avoid conflicts of loyalty.

Last but not least, you should ensure your children spend enough time with each parent and that their relationship with you and your ex alike is a positive experience. Consciously take time to enjoy interacting with your children when they’re with you. Don’t ask your kids probing questions to find out what they did with their other parent, what they ate or, say, how long they were allowed to play on their tablet for. Your child might not like to talk about this or could even feel pressure to take sides. Remember, at the end of the day, the most important thing is for your children to feel safe, loved, and able to communicate freely with everyone who is parenting them.

The be-all and end-all: maintaining good communication with your ex.

Good communication with your ex is indispensable if you want to successfully raise your kids while separated. Your separation may have been painful, but you should make an effort to stay on friendly terms if children are in the picture. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be best friends. Instead, it’s about respecting each other and making joint decisions focused on your children’s wellbeing.

Open, honest communication can help avoid misunderstandings and disagreements that can be a stressful burden for parents and children alike. Even though you might find it hard, try to always stay positive and concentrate on what matters when talking to your ex: specifically, what’s best for your children. If you show patience and understanding, you can find a new way to coexist and be good parents, even though your relationship has come to an end.

Raising children when separated and being happy when single – here’s how.

Raising children as a separated parent is no mean feat, but it does have its perks. When you’re single and co-parenting, you’ve got more freedom to shape your downtime – and your own life – however you want. This gives you the chance to forge new relationships and have new experiences. Last but not least, it means the chance to get to know yourself better and work on your personal development.

Take time for yourself when your children are with their other parent.

Bear in mind that, unlike many single parents who have to juggle their job, their home, their downtime and their children without any assistance from the other parent, you’re fortunate enough to be able to split childcare with your ex. This give you scope to consciously take time for yourself. Look for ways to relax and recharge your batteries, whether through reading, exercise, hobbies or spending time with friends. It’s crucial to deliberately take this time for yourself to support your wellbeing and your self-confidence so you can approach your busy day-to-day life with renewed energy.

Of course, challenges and tricky periods will crop up again and again.

When this happens, try to think about the future and make the best out of the situation. Seek support from your social network by talking to your family, friends or other single parents about your worries and challenges. As you’ll see, a positive attitude and a good network will get you through the tough times and help you move mountains.

How about proactively getting to know other single parents? Talking to people who’ve had similar experiences can help and give you the sense that you don’t need to deal with your challenges and worries on your own. Whether you’re a solo parent or a separated parent, you’ll have people by your side day to day who have first-hand experience of your situation, who support you and who you can talk to about the difficulties you’re dealing with. Single parents who’ve gone through similar things can often offer valuable advice and tips if you ask.

Make friends with other single parents who’ll understand you and have the same goals as you do.

As a single parent, your family life and your children are your top priority – that goes without saying. However, that doesn’t mean you need to spend the next few years of your life alone and single if you’re ready to date again or step into a new relationship. Quite the opposite, in fact! There are so many single parents out there who’re in exactly the same boat and would love to meet new people or even find a special someone. So, what would you say to getting to know them on the dating app Even?

Even is a dating app just for single parents.

Whether you’re ready to start up a new romance or are just looking for advice on all things dating, Even is here to help every step of the way. Even helps you find the right people for you, without interfering in your family life. With an intuitive user interface specifically developed for single, solo and separated parents, our app puts you in touch with single parents who have the same values and goals as you do. It’s free to register – and the process takes just a few minutes. Download the Even app now and give it a try.