Getting to know each other: how long does the dating stage last?

Getting to know each other is exciting – but lots can go wrong as you pass through the four stages of the dating process. Lots of singles worry about making mistakes that will ruin their changes of a happy relationship. We’ve compiled the key tips and put together some do and don’ts for you to make it a little bit easier.

Different couples take different amounts of time to move from “getting to know each other” to “being in a relationship”. It’s impossible to give an accurage idea of how long this process will last for everyone. One thing’s for sure, though: dating is made up of four stages. At some point you go from scouting your options to being exclusive. Whether it takes weeks or years, eventually “someone you’re seeing” becomes something official. However long it takes, we’ll talk you through the process. Plus, there are a few stumbling-blocks you need to avoid!

The four stages of getting to know each other

Getting to know someone consists of four stages. They don’t necessarily take place consecutively: sometimes, they can occur simultaneously.

1.  Choose the right singles

In the first stage of getting to know someone, you’re looking at other singles. You might be browsing through profiles on online dating sites. You might specifically go to singles parties or strike up conversation with potential partners in clubs or at bars. When you do this, you’re making a choice: you decide who you want to contact.

Tips for this stage of getting to know someone

•   Be open to meeting new people. It can take a while until you meet interesting people you want to get to know better.
•   Not getting any replies? Reach out to someone else.
•   Write personal, individual messages and take time to think about their content. Avoid boring openers like “Hi, how are you?” Instead, draw on topics you can pick up from people’s profiles, like their hobbies, travel preferences or job.
•   Spotted someone you like? Then move from texting to voice notes, calls and video chats as soon as possible.
•   Don’t wait too long to schedule your first date: get to know the other person in real life.

2.  Plan dates

In stage two of getting to know someone, you plan the first date. While you meet, you’re considering whether you’d like to see the object of your affections again. If yes, you can arrange a second, third and fourth date. And if things go well, you’ll see each other regularly.

Tips for this stage of getting to know someone

•   Don’t expect too much. There’s no guarantee that a first date be successful from the get-go.
•   Choose a public place to meet. A café or ice-cream shop is a good bet. If there’s no spark, you can leave swiftly without having to sit through a multi-course menu in a restaurant.
•   If you’re enjoying spending time with each other, you can suggest a walk after your coffee or ice cream, take a stroll through a flea market or grab a bite to eat. Think about potential activities in advance.
•   Don’t meet strangers at home. Protect your security by not letting them take you home or bringing them home after your date. There will be plenty of time for that if it’s something real!
•   Don’t hide who you are. Stay authentic and show your date who you really are. That’s the only way you can both decide if you want to see each other again.

3.  Flirt with your date

Dating’s supposed to be fun: flirting and banter are all part and parcel of that. Often, there’s a playful exchange of insults. When this happens, you can determine whether you share the same sense of humour, whether you’re attracted to each other, and whether you feel comfortable around each other. You might touch each other or have your first kiss.

Tips for this stage of getting to know someone

•   Pay attention to your date’s tempo: don’t go too fast. That could ruin your chances.
•   Only go as far as you feel comfortable. Be honest with your date if you’re not ready for a kiss, sex or other intimacies.
•   Show patience and don’t put yourself or your date under pressure.
•   Strike a good balance between closeness and distance: space is important, even when dating.

4.  Make a decision

In the last stage of getting to know each other, you decide whether you’d like to enter into a relationship with each other. Moving from dating to a relationship can be a fluid transition, without you explicitly putting this into words. However, you might need to talk about it.

Tips for this stage of getting to know someone

•   Don’t profess your love too soon. See how things go to start with. The beginning of a new relationship can be full of overwhelming, exciting feelings and it can be hard to know how things are really going.
•   Make sure you’re communicating on the same level.
•   You should give each other time. Don’t expect that the relationship will run perfectly from the very beginning.

Dos when getting to know each other

Lots can go wrong when getting to know each other. The best strategy is to take a relaxed approach to this time.

•   Stick to light-hearted topics when flirting: health problems, financial concerns and family tragedies are heavy issues that can pose a burden when getting to know someone. Wait for the right time to bring up serious topics like these.
•   Make sure the conversation is balanced: avoid monologues. Let your date have their say. Open questions keep the conversation flowing. Listen as attentively as possible and make brief comments to show that you’re following along. Questions also indicate interest, but don’t forget to say something about yourself in return.
•   Stay authentic: you probably want to put your best foot forward when dating and getting to know someone. That’s perfectly understandable. But you shouldn’t hide who you are. Stand up for your opinion and values, even if they conflict with your date’s. Differences and rough edges make you interesting. Plus, this helps you avoid disappointment and arguments if you decide to enter into a relationship.

Don’ts when getting to know each other

Common mistakes when getting to know each other can lead to the communication breaking down.

•   Don’t go too fast: you might be conscious of the tick-tock of your biological clock, or be eager to be married and settled down again. No matter how much of a hurry you feel like you’re in, don’t rush! It’s much harder to get out of a bad relationship that you’ve realised too late doesn’t suit you. Good things are worth waiting for!
•   Don’t hem them in: when the apple of your eye isn’t replying, don’t send multiple messages back to back. The other person has a life outside you. They might be busy at work, occupied with their child or meeting friends. Sometimes, their phone might even be out of battery. After all, it might be off-putting for them to discover a mountain of messages in one go (“What’s up?”, “Why aren’t you replying?”, “I’m worried”, “Everything ok?”).
•   Don’t become dependent: when you’re getting to know someone, there’s one thing to focus on: determining whether you’re interested in the other person, whether they’re right for you and whether they could be a good partner. This is a lengthy process and could take weeks, months or even a year. Don’t become emotionally dependent. Live your life. Look after yourself and your needs.
•   Don’t profess your love too soon: love develops over time. Even if your feelings are intense, it’s better not to rush things.

How does a man behave when he’s getting to know you?

Men work differently from women in many respects, which is both exciting and challenging at once. We’ve put together a few characteristic behaviours here so you can better understand how he’s acting when getting to know you.

Men are individuals, too. There’s no guarantee that the following information will apply to everyone equally. Nevertheless, this list can get you in tune with how men think and approach dating and relationships.

A man wants to conquer you

This is made clear if he tries to get you to like him. He might try to tell you about his successes at work on the first date to try to impress you. Or he could show you a valuable possession, like his car. He might bring his muscles into play later on when you’re dating, helping you to carry heavy bags of shopping, repairing something for you or showing off his strength in another way.

When you’re getting to know each other, let him know that you’re interested in him – but be cautious. If you rush into things too quickly, declare your love or tell him you want to start a family and grow old with him, the attraction will vanish.

If a man means it seriously, he’ll respond with more restraint

Men are also plagued by insecurity and fears. When they’re going on a first date, they spend just as much time as women do thinking about what to wear and how to present themselves to make a good impression on their potential lover.

If a man has serious intentions, he’ll usually take a step back. In conversations, he might seem considerate and attentive, listening while you’re telling him something. At the same time, he’ll ask you lots of questions and remember what you discussed with him.

He might even step back at a given point in the process of getting to know you and temporarily distance himself. Don’t let this unsettle you. He probably needs a bit of time to work out what he feels for you. Don’t pressure him if he’s beaten a retreat. Just wait: if he’s really interested in you, he’ll come back to you of his own accord.

Men present solutions

Maybe you’re telling your date about a tough day at work or an argument with your child – and he’s got the solution ready to go. You probably weren’t looking for good advice, but rather the chance to get something off your chest and to unburden yourself.

You can just tell him that. When he knows that you just want him to listen with empathy, he can give you what you’re expecting of him. Women like to talk about situations and problems. Men often handle this differently. They think about how they can overcome any challenges as quickly as possible. If he’s there right away with suggestions of what to do, it’s likely that he just wants to help. He’s not aware that you need something else from him at that point – specifically, empathy.

Men like recognition

Even if your beloved seems self-confident, a bit of appreciation will do him good. He’d like to hear a compliment and to be told that you like his muscular torso, say. Or that you’re impressed by his work, his helpfulness or his knowledge. Ultimately, he wants you to like him. That means you can put a real smile on his face with a bit of praise or an honest compliment.

Men need space

Men need time to themselves, even in a relationship. He might go on a night out with his friends or spend time doing a hobby. He might spend a weekend on his own renovating his flat, or tinkering with his motorbike in his man cave. That doesn’t mean he’s pulling away from you. Instead, it means he needs space for his own projects.

This gives you the opportunity to focus on your own interests during these periods. You, too, might need a girls’ night from time to time, or fancy the chance to go on a solo trip with your child or visit your parents. Make the most of this freedom.

Men speak a different “love language”

Women tend to express their feelings in words, whether in conversation, or in the form of poems or a personal note. Men show their affection. They give you little gifts or do a task that you find hard or unpleasant. He might change your tyres, or tidy up your garage. Often, actions speak louder than words.

Wondering what you mean to him? Think about how he acts:

•   Is he attentive and considerate towards you?
•   Does he protect you?
•   Does he support you day to day?

If so, he obviously has feelings for you.

Lots of men learned to hide their feelings as children. It takes a while for them to be more open towards you and show how in love, vulnerable or nervous they really are at particular points. This trust will likely develop over time. A period of time where you get to know each other helps in this respect, too.

Summary

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to how long it takes to get to know someone. Take time to go through the four stages with your partner. Make sure not to push ahead too quickly: instead, take your time and let things build.

Dating is exciting: you’re getting to know each other. Everything is mysterious, new and fascinating. That said, women often act differently from men when getting to know someone. When you’re aware of this, you might be able to take a more relaxed tack if the man you’ve been interested in suddenly starts pulling away or shows his affection by doing something for you, rather than with words.

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