How to process a separation or divorce

In relationships, it’s often one person who calls time on the pairing, while the other is caught unawares. Being broken up with can come as a shock. It’s even worse when the breakup means the end of a marriage, with solicitors involved and all the additional legal and emotional baggage that come with divorce. You might feel almost numb to start with – before the pain sets in. We’ll reveal how to process your separation from your ex and what stages you’ll go through on the way.

No matter whether your relationship had long been plagued by arguments and discord or you’d simply drifted apart, nobody is truly prepared for a separation or divorce and its aftermath. We hope our tips will help you combat heartbreak and guide you to look towards the future once again.

A divorce or separation impacts your entire life:

• You might have to move out of the house you shared or leave your apartment.
• You might no longer be able to draw on the support provided by your ex’s parents. You might even lose half of your friends.
• Your regular family rituals cease to exist.
• Your daily routine is left in tatters.
• You might even no longer be able to have contact with your children each day.

This will likely plunge you into the depths of crisis to start with. That said, no matter how hard the situation may feel in the moment, separations can be overcome. If you take things one step at a time, you, too, will manage to combat the heartbreak and make a fresh start.

The feeling of being in shock is part of the first stage of grief. We’ll look at this in more detail in the next section.

Successfully going through the four stages of a separation.

A separation is akin to the grieving process: we go through four different stages. If you know what they are, you’ll know where you stand at any given time. This helps give you a sense of what happens next. The duration of each individual stage differs from person to person: it could be weeks, months or even years.

It’s important, though, that you take things step by step and go through each stage in turn. There’s no value in skipping one. If you do, it’ll only come back later and overshadow your next relationship.

Stage 1: Not wanting to accept the separation

When it first happens, you can’t believe your partnership has really come to an end. You might feel as if you’re stuck in a bad dream that you’re about to wake up from. You might start to fight for your love. You try to do everything “right” from that point on, giving your former partner everything they were missing in the relationship. This is linked to the hope that there’s still a happy ending on the horizon.

You might become aware of mistakes you want to rectify and you do your best to correct them. But it’s over. The repair can no longer be repaired.

What helps during this stage:

• Make yourself aware that the relationship has come to an end. There’s no way back.
• Separate yourselves in spatial terms and keep your distance. This can be achieved even if you live in the same house or flat.
• Avoid being intimate with one another.
• No “stalking” on social media. No texts, WhatsApps or calls.
• If you have children together, have your ex pick up the children from their grandparents’ home or another trusted neutral place. Give yourself a couple of days of peace and quiet.

Stage 2: Your feelings are all over the place

The second stage is all about anger and feelings of being personally hurt. You might even make plans to take revenge and do unto your ex as they did unto you. And then, in a flash, you’ll be in tears again, doing everything you can to get your beloved back. You might feel weak and lacking in energy, or depressed. In short, your feelings are all over the place.

What helps during this stage:

• Give yourself space to feel your feelings: allow yourself to cry. It might help to watch some sad romance films and just let the tears flow.
• Get the pain off your chest by writing about it. This could take the form of a diary, for instance, but you can also write a letter to your ex (just don’t send it to them!).
• Talk to close friends about your feelings and the separation. They should be people who support you and care about you. If you’ve not got anyone in your close circle, professional help can also be a way to discuss things.

Stage 3: Letting your former relationship go

Now, you’ve gotten used to being single and have started a new life. You don’t feel sad and angry about your lost love as often. You can remember the special moments and you’re grateful for the time you had together.

When you reach this stage, you start to think about what your former relationship was actually like. You might be wondering what went wrong and start to investigate the causes. At the same time, you reflect on what you want from a new relationship and what you’ll no longer accept. You get a clearer sense of what you want and what you don’t. You do things that wouldn’t have been possible with your former partner. Your old energy and joie de vivre return.

What helps during this stage:

• Get to know new people, whether at parties, on nights out, at a club or at a class. The main thing is that you’re meeting people.
• There might be something you’ve always wanted to try, like learning a language, taking a dance class or picking up a new sport. Now’s the time.
• Change how you dress and how you do your hair: what about a new style, a new haircut or a new colour? You’re showing the world that you’re ready for a fresh start.

Stage 4: Daring to make a fresh start

Now, you’re ready for a new relationship. You start dating again. You’ve worked through your former relationship and left it behind. The experience has made you stronger, more self-confident and more at ease. You feel that the separation was the right decision: even if you weren’t able to see it for a long time, you weren’t as good a fit for each other as you thought. Now, you’ve got the chance to find someone who’s really on your wavelength. You start a new life.

What to bear in mind as a parent going through a separation

A separation or divorce is an even bigger challenge for parents than for people without kids:

• You need to keep going, even while you’re processing your grief. Your children need your support and your help.
• It’ll likely be hard for the kids to understand the new situation. They respond to mum and dad’s separation with uncertainty and fear. They start to worry that they might lose their other parent, too, or they feel like they’re to blame for what’s happened. Even if you feel miserable yourself, try to provide your children with emotional support.
• Childfree couples can go their separate ways once a relationship has ended. That’s not an option in your case: you remain connected as your children’s parents. You can avoid seeing each other for a couple of days, but sooner or later, you’ll have to face your ex – and you’ll have to think about solutions for the future, too.
• There are lots of organisational matters to sort out, like a divorce, maintenance payments and childcare times. And you need to come up with a whole new lifestyle that includes the children.

Seven tips to process a separation more easily

Unfortunately, there’s no way to avoid going through the four stages of separation, and there’s no way to shorten this process. But these nine tips might make it a bit easier for you to leave the break-up behind you.

1. Take a realistic view of your former relationship

You might think you’ll never find someone that wonderful to be in a relationship with ever again. After a separation, lots of people start to idealise their ex. However, that’s not a realistic way to see the time you spent together in the past.

No doubt, there were wonderful moments, but there were also tricky periods and things that always irritated you about them. Now’s the time to focus on all the negatives and everything that wasn’t quite right from the get-go.

It helps to think about why you always had arguments and fights, time and again:

• In which ways did your ex disappoint you?
• Where did you not express your needs?
• What did you struggle to do when you were in your relationship?

2. Make your personal dreams come true

During your relationship, you may have struggled to spend much time on your hobbies, or to engage with them at all. There might not have been enough time to keep in touch with your friends. You might also have not seen your family very often, or you might have always dreamed of taking city breaks, visiting museums or finally learning how to play tennis.

No matter what it is, now’s the time to do it. Take your children with you. Or ask if they want to spend the weekend with granny and grandpa. The important thing is that you do something that benefits you. This will also make clear to you that being single has its perks: you don’t need to compromise anymore and you don’t need to hide your needs.

3. Change up your living environment

It helps to switch up your surroundings and take your new situation into account. This is especially true if you’re staying in the home you previously shared. Now it’s up to you how you design the space. Maybe you’ve always wanted a bright green wall. Maybe you’re planning to put up seasonal decorations in the living room. Maybe you want to hang particular pictures on the wall, something you might have argued about over and over. Or maybe you’re keen to rearrange the furniture. You can do all this now.

Your four walls will look very different with a lick of paint and some new furnishings. You’re focusing on what you like and what makes you who you are. This automatically means that you’re not constantly being reminded of your ex.

4. Take stock

There are usually lots of reasons why a relationship comes to an end. It’s not necessarily someone’s “fault”. If you’re going to play the blame game, both parties are guilty to an extent. You might just have drifted apart. If something changed in your career or there were other major shifts, it might be the case that your future plans and values are no longer in alignment.

Spend the time to undertake a realistic reflection on where mistakes were made in your partnership and what you could do better next time.

You can also jot down your thoughts in a letter to your ex. This helps if you can’t talk about it face to face and you feel like you’ve not got everything off your chest yet. Write it down – but don’t send the letter. Either destroy it once you’re done, or store it in a memory box.

5. Put mementos somewhere you won’t see them

Love letters and love poems, holiday souvenirs, photos, little gifts… If you’ve got mementos all over the place, you might find it particularly hard to let go. Put everything in a box and stash it in your attic, cellar or storage unit. The main thing is that you won’t be constantly confronted with them day in, day out.

At some stage, you might be ready to say goodbye to them for good. Until then, it’s out of sight, out of mind.

6. Spend time with people who are good for you

Whether relatives, friends or colleagues, there are doubtless people you like spending time with. It can be helpful to talk about your separation and give space for your feelings of grief and sadness. A person you trust will likely give you some encouragement and show that they’re there for you. But don’t go overboard: if that’s all ou talk about, it’ll become too much for even the most understanding friend.

7. Be open to new friendships

It’s not about replacing your former relationship as quickly as possible. A general sense of openness will demonstrate to you that there are other people who share your sense of humour, who have a similar worldview and who you just get on well with. Maybe you could go for dinner with your team after work, or visit a local festival with your neighbour. The key thing is that you don’t hole up at home. This will help you forget about your heartbreak in the short term.

Don’ts: seven mistakes to avoid after a separation

Sometimes, it’s really tempting to do everything you can to win your ex back. That rarely works. When a relationship has broken down to the extent that someone is talking about separation, that usually means lots of things have happened in the past. It doesn’t come out of nowhere. You’ve also got to ask how much sense it makes to give things another go when the problems are so sizeable.

Here are seven common mistakes that make a separation unnecessarily hard

1. Stalking them on social media

Curiosity might drive you to Facebook, Instagram and other social media platforms to see what your former partner is up to. Are they in a new relationship already? Are they happy, while you’re sad and confused? That’s a big mistake. You’re not hurting anyone but yourself. The wound will reopen again and again.

2. Pouring out your heart online

You can pour out your heart to close friends: it’s totally ok to seek comfort and support from people in your inner circle. That said, you shouldn’t share any details about the separation online. You never know who might read them.Your openness might be embarrassing or, worse, a legal liability. In the worst case scenario, it can come back to bite you in court.

3. Repressing feelings of sadness and doubt

Distraction can help you come to terms with the end of your relationship, but it’s also important to give yourself space to feel your feelings. That’s the only way you can work through the pain and leave it behind you. If you blindly throw yourself into work, get blackout drunk every weekend or try to start a new relationship immediately, you’re repressing the feelings of separation. This tactic won’t help you in the long term: the pain will catch up at some point.

4. Wallowing in the past

In the wake of a separation, it’s totally ok to look through old photos, reminisce a bit and listen to sad music. That’s part and parcel of the whole thing, especially in stages 1 and 2 of the separation process. But at some stage, it’s time to leave these activities behind. Otherwise, you won’t get anywhere: you’re just artificially keeping the past alive. That doesn’t do you any good and it’s not going to bring your relationship back. It’s over.

5. Making rash decisions

Shaving your head, having sex with a stranger, quitting your job or heading off abroad: before you turn your life upside down, sleep on it for a couple of nights and think about whether you really want to. Avoid spur-of-the-moment decisions. Spontaneous choices made out of confusion or anger can lead to regret down the line.

6. Talking badly about the other parent in front of the children

It’s hard for your children to accept that their family is no longer living together. They might even feel like they’re to blame. As a result, you should avoid being critical about their other parent. Don’t try to convince them of your side: think about how hard this situation is for your children. It’s better if you talk to your children together and explain that you’ll always love them and be there for them. Try to create a stable day-to-day structure as quickly as possible and set out the childcare times in a way that’s clear and easy for the children to understand. They should know when they’re staying with you and when they’re with their other parent.

7. Getting revenge

You’re probably brimming with anger in stage 2 of a separation. You’ll be dreaming of about how you can get back at your ex. You might even be thinking of exposing them publicly. The separation doesn’t make this easier for you. It’s likely you’ll regret it in hindsight – or come in for criticism yourself for hurting someone you used to care about. Unleash your anger at a kickboxing class instead.

Summary

Most people have one or more failed relationships behind them: it’s something we all go through sooner or later. Being broken up with plunges us into the depths of a crisis. It takes time to work through the feelings and leave the pain behind. We go through four stages, from shock to a fresh start. You can’t make this journey shorter. But our dos and don’ts will hopefully make it easier for you to get through this tricky time. Even if it doesn’t seem to be the case to start with, It’s possible to get over separations – and it’s possible to live on your own. At some stage, it’ll all be behind you and you’ll be able to move on from the crisis feeling stronger in yourself.